Annual Report to Shareholders
A semi-serious look at what we have done and are trying to do.
[Steph Mamber rises slowly, holding a giant phone book out of the 1980s. She slams it on the counter and everyone in the room is silent.]
As the President, CEO, COO, CFO, and Chairman of the Board of Directors of The Huntsvillan, Inc., I hereby call this annual shareholder meeting to order!
Some of you may be wondering: as a Fortune 500 company, why are we meeting in the Lumberton Waffle House? Well, Cracker Barrel down the road wouldn't take us. Plus, better acoustics. Spending money on a microphone is for fools.
I know the question on all your lips: profits. Well there's good news and bad news. They have set records of the terrible kind. As a percentage of sales, our profits are negative infinity. Literally this: -∞%. This is what happens when there are actual costs and no sales whatsoever.
Instead of profits, we have the next best thing: an expanded organizational chart. Can you spend organizational charts? Not really. At this here Waffle House they are used as place mats when they run out of the others, but that isn't often.
Still, it's been so much fun! Our company now has four internal divisions, corresponding to the type of journalism produced. It is my privilege to introduce them to you now.
First, the red meat. This division is officially called Public Accountability but we generally use its nickname: When Reached, They Declined to Comment. It examines the public schools, the Walker County Hospital District, the City of Huntsville, and so on.
Next the vegetables: the Department of Human Endeavor, which has written articles on whether pay raises have kept up with inflation and SHSU football, with others under development. Right now, it's being run by Clippy from Microsoft until we find money to pay somebody real.
Our third division looks at expressive activity of all types: art, music, performance, and more. It's headed by our Chief Humanist, Mary-Brett Stringer. January and February's offerings are already underway.
The last division is the bunch of fools that gave us this piece and that one and even helped write this speech right here. We can't come up with a name for it and currently call it Barfles after the neighbor's cat.
The variety in these four divisions ensures The Huntsvillan paints a rounded view of life in Huntsville and Walker County. Since we have no profits, this has to be enough for now. Now someone come refill my coffee, because I have work to do.
[With the phone book in one hand and her coffee in the other, Mamber exits the room.]
This annual report was audited for accuracy by the prestigious accounting firm Arthur Andersen. Any errors should be reported directly to them.