Residents getting nostalgic for $3.99 gas at Smiley's
You don't realize what you're missing until it's gone.
Ah, the good old days. When apples were only a nickel, movies were a couple of bucks and a gallon of gas was $3.99 at Smiley's on 11th St.
"I miss driving down 11th St. after work and seeing that sign," said Westridge resident Floop McGithers. "No way I was gonna pay that kind of money but somehow it was comforting, like an old friend you can't stand but still hang out with sometimes."
"It's sickening," said Avenues resident Merg Yabdabdoob, referring to the citywide increase in gas prices since the U.S. invaded Iran two months ago.
"It violates our God-given constitutional right to cheap gas. It's gotten so bad that I'm actually thinking of walking places." Crosswalk painters were working overtime to get ahead of the expected influx of pedestrian traffic.
It's gotten to the point local residents are profiting off the change. The farmer's market on Saturdays now has t-shirts that say "I could use a doddering old man at the podium and $3.99 gas at Smiley's right now."
"Can't keep 'em in stock," said vendor Grnith Manawallow. "Selling faster than my squash."
But in other ways it hurts the local economy.
"That gas station used to be a tourist attraction," a city official told us. "Come to Huntsville, see the Hat House and Boot House, go get $3.99 gas at Smiley's, write an angry review on Google. It was like an emotional purgative."
The official shed a small tear. "Now that's gone and the tourists aren't coming anymore. That's one less pothole that's going to get fixed," bringing the city's annual total of potholes fixed to -1.
Legendary on the internet
But those Google reviews are forever. They are exactly what you'd expect – with one exception.
That exception is Liam Amiri, the self-proclaimed "leader of NO TIP ON TAKEOUT AND COFFEE SHOP ORDERS movement." You go, Liam. First they made us tip on lunch and dinner, and no one said anything. Then it was coffee, and still no one said anything. Now it's takeout too and WHAT WILL IT BE NEXT??
Amiri has traveled the continent writing ridiculously positive reviews of every establishment he encounters. Leave it to him to find the silver lining to Smiley's overpriced gasoline cloud. In the bathroom department, it is Huntsville's answer to Bu-cee's:
In fact, the smell-free restrooms were praised by a number of reviewers, necessitating an on-site investigation by The Huntsvillan. Our reporter was equally rapturous: "Fruit-forward, with notes of cinnamon and Maraschino cherry and just a hint of nutmeg." Liam, we were wrong to ever doubt you.
The secret that explains everything
Why is the gas so pricey at Smiley's? The economics don't work.
Typically, gas stations mark up each gallon of gas about 30¢ above wholesale cost. Smiley's markup is closer to $1.50, or five times as high. This means they can make a decent profit with 1/5 the customers a typical gas station has: one car at the pumps, instead of five.
Observation indicates Smiley's falls short of that number – generally, there are no customers in sight. Nor, does it seem, are they making it up inside the store. Upon recent inspection, about one-third of the canned goods for sale (soup, tuna fish, etc.) were expired and another third close to expiration. That stuff is not flying off the shelves.
A former employee reveals the secret that explains everything.
"The pumps don't actually work," said the employee. "Instead, there's just a guy down there with a plastic tube blowing the gas up out of the tanks into your car," he said. "It's exhausting. He can't fill more than a dozen tanks a day. That's why the price is so high."
Fix your pumps, Smiley's. The local economy depends on you getting gas back to $3.99 per gallon.